I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
