The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
