Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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