Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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