So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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