I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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