i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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