last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
