Soap is not a condiment
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
