Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
