i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
