he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
