Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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