I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
