I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
