I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
