where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
