Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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