Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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