Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize