life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
