I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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