she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
