Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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