I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
