remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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