Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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