I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
