yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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