Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
