Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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