He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
