I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
