If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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