So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
