Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
