i think i have herpe
just one?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We're too hungover to prance.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
