oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
