We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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