Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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