I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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