new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
