Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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