she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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