Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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