Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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