I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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