my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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