I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
