Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
