Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
