Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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