so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
