I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she told me i tasted like america
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize