She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
