I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
