Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
