Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
