We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
